Another Day of Silence

Yesterday was another day of silence. Kinda.
No calls, no pages, no visits. What's going on in her mind? Again, do I want to know, do I need to know? I wish I knew the answers to those questions....

I worked late, I didn't call, but my girl did. So I do kinda know what's going on because my girl's told me her version. Is it the abridged version I want or the one she wants to give me so that maybe there will be some silence. It doesn't matter, we'll argue over something that's been said anyways.

But there is no silence. I know what's going on. Same thing, different day, worse day. I know 'the worst' is yet to come--that's what mom keep telling me.
So, I know the silence will end, but it's just when?

Lots of noise

The silence is over.

Well, my perceived silence at least. The phone rang this morning around 8 am and the dull ache in my head hasn't left yet, but I know it won't.

"I think I should go to the hospital, I need to go to the hospital, I don't think I can drive, I have to see the doctor........."

So the hospital turned into the doctor's appointment that my girl already told me last night that my mom had today.
Another day, another doctor, the same story. Are there any answers? Are they the answers she wants? Are they the answers I want? We want?
At least this doctor listened, again.

It's 9:25 pm now. The noise is still here. I've been talking on the phone about my mom for over an hour and half with my family. That interrupted the 'normal night' of being a couch potato that I was going for. Before that it was over 41 mins of talking about her with my friend, 12 mins with another friend, another 25 mins with someone who had to start with, "How's your mom?" I've got to stop talking about this, or I'll have no friends, is what I keep thinking, but how do I stop?

At dinner it was about her with my girl, it can't be avoided she's living it too. And when I'm sleeping I'll be dreaming it.
There is no rest from this. Then tomorrow will come and we'll start again. Where is my life? Is this what my life has come to? I need answers.
I need a break from the dull ache. Please shut off the noise.

Quiet

If someone had ever told me that it would bother me as much not to hear from my mom as to hear from her 5 plus times a day, I would never have believed it.
Today was an anomaly--no pages, no calls, no visits at work.
When I returned home I asked myself, do I call or do I wait for a call?
What's she up to? What's she thinking?

So I called....I took the bait
I bet my girl odds on how quickly the conversation would turn bad...5 secs, 10 secs...
it was 6 secs from Hello to I had a bad day. Now what do I do? What more can I say? What else can I say?
Our conversation lasted exactly 18 mins with the last few being her hurrying me off the phone because she didn't like the conversation about her weekend.

Do you know how much it pisses me off being hurried off the phone......it's not like she was in a rush to go somewhere........
or is this what she wants.......I'm still thinking about her and what she's up to and what she's thinking..........is she thinking about me?? Not likely, I'm told.

That's my problem. Too much thinking, no internal shut off, no real quiet.........
I know she'll call again, I think.

Day 309

Tomorrow it will be 37 weeks since my beloved dad passed away.
Tomorrow it will be 257 days since we buried my dad.

Tomorrow it will be Day 309 that my mom has stayed alone.

Tomorrow it will be Day 309 since my family's lives changed forever.

Tomorrow it will be 33 weeks since my mom sold her pride and joy, our family home.
Tomorrow it will be 25 weeks since my mom moved into an apartment on her own.
Tomorrow it will be 21 weeks since the family hired a 'nanny' to be company for my mom.
Tomorrow it will be 17 weeks since the second 'nanny' arrived.
Tomorrow it will be 26 days since my dad's unveiling.

Tomorrow my mom will be 81 years and 306 days old.
Tomorrow my mom will think about her husband of over 58 years of marriage.

And today I already know my mom is dreading tomorrow.

Why? Because I am too.